


Holding On

by ColdSunWarmMoon



Category: Until Dawn
Genre: Angst, Chris is a slight mess, Climbing Class, Fluff, M/M, Other, STILL IN PROGRESS, Sam is bless, Things'll get better, Wendigo!Josh, more characters later - Freeform, pining?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-31 17:49:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6480538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColdSunWarmMoon/pseuds/ColdSunWarmMoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was ready to die.</p><p>            But he didn't.</p><p>            He was grateful, but disappointed too.</p><p>            But what really was the difference between life and death when all your life consisted of was the cold darkness of a cave and the crippling starvation of your own stomach eating itself. Because Josh sure as hell knew he'd be going to hell for the things he had done to his now ex-friends and when he was too piss drunk to save his younger twin sisters from their demise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's gore in this chapter so if it bothers you read with caution!

            He was ready to die.

            But he didn't.

            He was grateful, but disappointed too.

            But what really was the difference between life and death when all your life consisted of was the cold darkness of a cave and the crippling starvation of your own stomach eating itself. Because Josh sure as hell knew he'd be going to hell for the things he had done to his now ex-friends and when he was too piss drunk to save his younger twin sisters from their demise.

-

            Jesus Christ. Chris totally won the _Worst Friend in the Entire World_ award. Because yes, leave your best bro that you've known since grade 3 in a shed, tied up, waiting to get eaten by a goddamn wendigo. Jesus. Josh could probably be dead for all that Chris knew. A thought that actually gave him palpitations.

            "Stop freaking out. I'm sure he's okay." Sam's voice reached Chris' ears and made his nerves calm down the slightest bit.

            "Yeah... Right." Chris hugged himself to keep warm in the frigid cold as wind blew.

-

            Josh choked out a sob.

            The sight that had met him in the reflection from the puddle made his heart drop. He looked like a disgusting monster. Josh swiped at the puddle with his clawed hand and patted his face to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. His tears stung his eyes. His other milky white the pupil and iris. His teeth scratched at his hands as he touched his loose skin around the left side of his face.

            A whimper bubbled in his throat but grew into a loud roar as he swung at the mess of water countless times and punched the cave wall in a fit. His fist bleeding, skin peeling as a dull pang of pain barely came to his senses.

 

-

            "Are you sure this is where Josh was?" Chris asked for the hundredth time.

            " _Yes_ , Chris. I am _sure_." Sam said exasperated a sigh leaving her lips.

            A loud shrill screech echoed in the vast cave, making Sam and Chris stiffen in fear.

            "Gotta remember we're not the only ones here." Sam whispered.

            All Chris could do was nod and readjust his hold onto the flashlight. He tripped over a rock in a panic as he heard skittering from behind. Sam turned around just to catch sight of Chris stumbling around and snort in amusement.

-

            A bat. A bat was the only thing he caught and ate. But left the leathery skin alone.

-

            Chris hoped that Josh was still alive and that he was okay. Not bleeding out on the floor. His head not severed from his body like that old man from last year.

            "God, I hope he's alright." Chris whispered as he rounded a corner after Sam.

            The sound of crashing wood and hissing made the both of them stop.

            It sounded as if someone was actually screaming out while something else hissed and howled. Chris and Sam looked at each other quietly thinking about what they should do.

            They nodded.

-

            Oh god. Not again. He hated seeing this. Why was he doing this? Why couldn't he stop? He tore open its throat. Blood splattering across his face. The thing still screeching as it choked on its own blood. A twisted voice carried through his thoughts.

 **** _Kill it. Eat it. Rip its' flesh apart, peel away every piece of skin from it._

            Josh screamed out in remorse and fear as he sunk his sharp teeth into the neck of the pale skinned thing. The wet crunching of bone, the bubbling sound as blood leaked from the monster. The contents slid down his throat easily as if he's been doing this his whole life as its blood tasted oddly sour yet sweet. The small welting warmth in Josh's stomach made him feel disgusted in himself.

            The thing thrashed and cried out as it tried to push Josh away by his shoulders. It scratched at his face and gripped at his head. Josh roared into the thing's face in uncharted anger and ripped its head right from its neck. Its' spinal cord slickly wet, roughly sliding out with it.

            "Holy crap!" Josh's head quickly spun around.

            He didn't even notice how his vision was only different shades of red. The gurgling from the thing underneath him had stopped. Slowed down.  _Died down._

            The red went back to normal and all he saw was a wild mane of blond hair vanish.

-

            Sam had pulled Chris away from the sight of someone in bloody overalls ripping apart a wendigo.

            "W-was that...?" Chris' vision was blurring, his mind jumping to wild conclusions of what he had just seen.

            "Yes, I think...that was." Sam whispered, making all of Chris' worries confirmed.

            Chris pressed against the cave wall as he heard what seemed to be his best friend Josh screech as his stomach did lurching flips making him want to keel over.

            "What do we do?" Sam hissed, her eyebrows deeply furrowed.

            "I don't know!" Chris swallowed the lump in his throat as he heard scampering feet.

            But wait. The sole reason they even came here was to get Josh. They can't just leave him now because he went through some... _Changes_. That's not what friends do. Chris couldn't even forgive himself for just leaving his best bro in a shed tied up, and when he came back all he saw was the chair Josh was sitting in broken and Josh not in it, making him feel worse and more of a piece of crap he was. He's not letting Josh go for a second time. Not today. Not probably ever.

            A surge of  adrenaline rushed through Chris' veins and before Sam could grab him, he ran from behind the cave's wall to where Josh's retreating back was facing him.

            "Josh!" He yelled out, voice slightly cracking with nervousness and fear.

            'Josh' turned around, a growl rumbling in his chest, eyes wild, teeth chittering, and his fists flexing.


	2. Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAHH! Hope you all like this chapter! Tried hard to look for some mistakes, a bit angsty and I can barely remember what everyone said in Until Dawn so,,,  
> AHK hope you enjoy! working on chapter 3 & 4!!!!  
> Also, there is some gore in this chapter.

**2**

            He had no idea what he was doing. Why he was doing this, why he thought this was a good idea, how he was supposed to survive this, or when did he do this?

            Before Chris could even evaluate what he had just done on a stupid whim, he was tackled to the ground. Long limbs sprawled out, teeth clicking, a loud growl rumbling. Chris' head collided harshly onto the cave ground as he skidded on his back across the ground, his jacket probably scratched or ripped up.

            Chris opened his squeezed shut eyes to see various razor sharp teeth hovering above his face. His eyes traveled up to see a bulging green eye, the eyelid missing along with the long eyelashes Josh used to have. His left eye a milky white, pupil no longer. The left side of his mouth ripped and torn apart as if it was stretched so far it tore.

            _Was this really Josh?_

_Yes._

            "Josh? Bro?" 'Josh's eyes rolled around before it properly focused onto Chris.

            Josh's right eye twitched which was quite the sight since he didn't have an eyelid or anything to really twitch. Chris blinked away the tears that were burning behind his eyes as he saw his best friend look so wild and not like himself at all. It was scary in all honesty. But this wouldn't have ever happened if he hadn't locked his best friend who would never kill anyone in a shed in the middle of the winter, tied up.

            A sob tumbled from Chris' lips. Josh's eyebrows furrowed as he breathed out heavily, the strong smell of old flesh and blood fanning over Chris' face.

            "God, I'm so sorry." Chris' croaked.

            All Josh did was growl. Chris didn't even notice the clawed hand scratching into the stone ground so roughly it was starting to peel and fray but grow back every time a nail snapped.

            "We - I should have believed you..." Chris didn't know why he was still talking when his instincts were telling him to scream out for help or try to escape.

            Josh let out a shrill, inhuman cry. Mouth showing even more rows of sharp, long teeth going straight into Chris' face, dangerously close, one snap of the jaw and he's -

             A bright flash of orange and white blinded both Chris and Josh. There was a loud ringing in Chris' ears once the weight that was pressed onto him disappeared. He pushed himself up onto his elbows to see Josh curled up into a ball rocking back and forth as incoherent muttering mixed in with rapid chittering escaped his lips.

            Chris looked over behind himself to see Sam breathing heavily as she held a can of hairspray and one of the  lighters they had bought from the gas station. Sam nodded curtly at him, her hands shaking.

            Both of them turned their direction over to Josh who seemed to be whimpering as he continued to rock back and forth.

            "I'm not your bro." Chris' voice echoed from Josh's throat.

            Chris remembered saying that. He wish he hadn't. Josh kept on insisting that he didn't kill Jess. Chris and Mike should have believed him. But Mike was so caught up with Jess and wanting to find out what happened he jumped to conclusions that weren't too off, based on the stuff that had happened that night.

            Josh let out an inhuman wail.

            "Josh?" Chris got up from the floor, his limbs sore.

            "I'm not your bro." Chris felt weird hearing his own voice. An odd chill crawling down his spine and ringing in his ears as he took small steps towards Josh's rocking figure.

            "You killed Jess!" Josh was clawing at his matted hair.

            "He's sick!" Chris winced. Low blow he made.

            "Maybe he's right?" As Chris got closer, he noticed Josh's back shaking as he rocked back and forth in a steady rhythm.

            "Somebody didn't take his meds."

            "Josh?" The closer Chris got, the more chilling his and the others of the gangs voice carried around the cave. Like a broken haunted record. As if someone shoved those recorded moments that had hurtful things in them down your throat for you to continuously listen to.

            Only one more step and Chris could. Chris could what? Crap. He did the same thing all over again. Ding stuff without thinking about it. The chittering and Josh imitating everyone's voice over and over again had stopped. Chris didn't know when, he was too busy freaking out in his head.

            "Josh?" Chris whispered.

            Josh had stopped rocking. Chris could hear his own heartbeat pounding in his chest as the silence of the cave made him tense. As if anything could pop up and kill them all. He heard shuffling and quickly turned around to see Sam taking steady steps closer towards Josh and Chris.

            "Josh?" Sam's soft voice lightly echoed along the cave walls.

            Josh's back tensed.

            "We're so, so sorry. We never meant for this to...to happen." Sam had stop walking as soon as she noticed Josh's body.

            "Bro, we never knew tha-"

            " **I'M NOT YOUR BRO!** " Josh whipped around, standing on his own two feet, his voice a mixture of Chris', his mouth opened wide, long razor sharp teeth fully shown into a snarl.

            "I-I'm not your bro anymore." Josh croaked, his voice scratchy and dry.

            "Josh..." Sam sounded like a mother trying to reach out to her child.

            "Oh, shut up!" Josh's voice cracked as he tried to raise it again.

            "I didn't mean what I said, man." Josh scratched at his head roughly, making his hair look messier as Chris tried to talk to him.

            A growl was growing in Josh's throat. The tiny rumbling could be heard by Sam and Chris. Josh shook his head as he roughly scratched at it, his eyes wild and unfocused.

            A rough shudder rocked Josh as he took a step closer towards Chris, a small growl still rumbling. Chris' senses sharpened when Josh got closer and he felt his heart skip a beat in slight fear. Josh grabbed Chris by his jacket and pulled.

            "Yikes!" Chris squeaked when he stumbled forward into Josh.

            Josh bent over to place his head onto Chris' shoulder, a sad whine escaping him as he gripped onto Chris' winter jacket, his claws damaging the fabric but Chris couldn't care less. He and Sam have their friend back. At least what's left of him.

            Chris recuperated the hug, wrapping his arms around Josh's waist. Josh sobbed as Chris rubbed his bony back, his spine easily traceable. Chris felt easiness in his chest as he rubbed Josh's shaking back as small whimpers and chittering was heard right in his ear.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to say but, this was soooo hard to write and I don't know why. Sorry for the long wait for another chapter but here you go! Busted my ass editing this...

3

 

It's been 3 months since Chris had seen Josh.

 

Chris remembers the last time he saw Josh as if it was just yesterday.

 

            Josh wouldn't let go of him as he and Sam went back to the cable cart. Chris tried to detach from Josh in the cave once he stopped crying but he gripped on tighter, making Chris feel like Josh's claws were dangerously close to his last protective layer of clothing. Sam had thought it was quiet adorable by little awe that left under her breath at the sight.

 

The cable car ride was a quiet and comfortable one. Chris laid his head onto the cable cart's cool window, Josh's head on Chris' shoulder and Sam was leaning onto Josh which made him purr in content.

 

The jolt of the cable cart arriving to the other side made Chris and Sam awaken from their short slumber, Josh still asleep until they had to wake him up.

 

His eyes groggily fluttered open, gripping onto Chris as soon as he was on his feet. They all filed out of the cart and waited at a bench in front of the Blackwood Pines entrance.

 

            Sam had called 911 to say that they founded Josh in the mines.

 

The process of bringing Josh to the hospital was a disaster. All someone had to do was touch his arm as he held onto Chris and he'd turn into a hissing, screeching, scratching mess.

 

            His eyes were wide and dilated as they stuck a needle into his arm, his tight hold still around Chris' arm.

 

Chris supported the back of Josh's head as he stumbled into him, losing his balance as he clutched tightly onto Chris's jacket clad arms.

 

"Don't...leave me alone." Josh choked out through sharp teeth, his eyes wide and scared.

 

"I...I can't promise you that." Chris knew. Deep down that he wouldn't be able to see Josh as soon as the medics took him. They'd shut him out and Josh's parents would keep him locked up in his house. If he even survived. Chris felt the queasiness of thinking that Josh couldn't get better.

 

"Please. Please! Please, Chris. Please, please, please, please, please, please." Josh whined as tears slid down his face, trying to purse his lips to stop the small sobs escaping him but not being able to.

 

            The sight made Chris' heart ache.

 

"I can't!" Chris sobbed out as Josh's gaze slowly dulled.

 

The medics took Josh's small frame and placed him onto a gurney.

 

With tears rolling down his cheeks and hiccups shaking his whole body, Chris turned around to Sam and gave her a hug as they silently cried.

 

-

 

And here Chris was, about to see Josh after 3 long uneventful months.

 

Chris was wasting away at home watching TV because he hadn't even started his day yet when his phone rang. He scrambled to get it which was discarded at the far end of the coffee table and answered.

 

"Hey, Chris." Chris recognized Melinda's soft voice.

 

Everything else was a hurried blur of information and questioning and he's now at the hospital. The hospital with that Josh in.

 

Chris stepped to the side as a nurse walked out of Josh's room, softy smiling at him.

 

"Mr. Washington has been sleeping but you can go inside if you'd like." The nurse walked off down the hallway as Chris silently slipped into the room.

 

There was the beeping of Josh's calm heartbeat on the monitor, his chest rising up and down slowly at an easy rhythm. Chris' chest tightened as he walked over to Josh's bed, unsteady nervousness coursing through his body like hot lava.

 

His face seemed to be healing nicely. The deep gash on the left side of his cheek a light pink colour against his pale bronze skin, his left eye's eyelid nicely healed, the thick eyelashes there once again.

 

Josh took a deep breath through his nose, his chest rising. Chris froze above him as Josh's eyelids softly fluttered open.

 

"Hey there, stranger." A soft excited grin erupted Chris's face as Josh stared up at him with a confused expression.

 

"Chris?" Josh croaked as he sat up, his voice slightly raspy from sleep.

 

"Hey." Chris brushed back Josh's disheveled hair from his face.

 

            Josh silently stared up at Chris.

 

"Chris..." Josh whined as tears pooled up into his eyes, coating his thick eyelashes.

 

Chris opened his arms and Josh hesitated, curling in on himself. Chris wrapped his arms around Josh's small frame, Josh clutching onto Chris after being frozen in shock, nuzzling into the crook of his neck. Heat radiated from Josh but his hands an icy cold. Even through Chris' various layers of clothing. Josh let out small hiccups and silent sobs as he nuzzled into the crook of Chris' neck.

 

After the heart warming hug, Chris sat in the chair by Josh's hospital bed while he played with Chris' fingers.

 

           The silence was a comfortable one. One where you could just bask in the small solitude before everything came crashing back down.

 

            Chris noticed how short Josh's nails were cut, his free edge's not even visible, his fingers an adorable stubbiness.

 

"I'm sorry that I couldn't stay with you." Chris' chest filled with guilt after all the boosting he told himself that he wouldn't leave Josh alone again in the mines. When he told Josh that he would leave him again when he knew he wouldn't be able to be there with him.

 

Josh paused playing with Chris' fingers. "It's okay..." Chris noticed the slight edge to his tone.

 

"I wouldn't want you to see me anyways..." Chris looked up at Josh with a questioning look and a small feeling of hurt.

 

"I-I don't mean it as an insult! It's just... I wasn't really,  myself during whatever I was going through." Josh lowered his gaze to his thighs, trying to fight away the blurred memories of him...recovering. He knew why Chris couldn't visit. Why no one could. Or want to. Because he's too dangerous, because he killed two people, almost killed the doctors who were trying to help.

 

"Hey," Chris noticed Josh slowly beginning to curl up into himself again, a thing he usually did when he was going through something rough or uncomfortable. "stuff is pretty messed up but things are getting...okay?"

 

Josh snorted at the uncertainty in Chris' tone.

 

"Most of the stuff that happened up in the mountain is mostly a blur but I do know that what I did was horrible and messed up. And all my fault." Josh raked his fingers through his hair, ceasing from prodding at Chris' hand.

 

"I'm so sorry," Josh hugged himself as his gripped at his elbows, back hunched. "I made you and everyone else go through something so horrible."

 

"You're going to have to tell this to everyone else too, you know?" Chris said.

 

"If they're even willing to see me..." Josh had a point.

 

Not everyone was ready yet to see Josh after what he'd done and put them through, but he is forgetting someone who would be completely ecstatic to see him.

 

"Dude, you're forgetting Sam."

 

"She'll come and see me?" Josh curled into himself even more, his legs bending to be hugged against his chest. "...why did  you come back?"

 

"Huh?"

 

"You shouldn't have come back. You didn't have to. You should have left me. I should have died."

 

"Josh, c'mon, you're slipping again." Chris remembers before the mountain when Josh would slip into his wild fits of negative thoughts and anxiety; muttering to himself, breaking things, harming himself.

 

"I-I'm a monster." Josh's voice trembled.

 

"No, you're not. That's over. You had an exorcism." Chris reached out to rub Josh's arm soothingly but he flinched away from it, as if it burned, a tremble racking his body.

 

"I can feel it. It's still there. I know it's still here. Lurking." Josh squeezed his eyes shut as clicking and whining escaped from him.

 

"Josh, it's gone." Chris leaned onto to the bed to try andsee Josh's hidden face.

 

"Could you go? And just, come back tomorrow? I feel, tired..." Josh mumbled through his hand. Covering his mouth and scar.

 

Chris felt a small pang in his chest, a drop of his stomach, a nauseating swirl of his head but shoved those feelings aside.

 

"Sure. If that's what you want." Chris slowly stood up from his seat, Josh's eyes following his movement.

 

"I'm sorry Chris. It's just- I'm tired." Josh averted his eyes from Chris' blue gaze.

 

"That's fine. Get some rest, bud." Chris shut the door softly behind himself as he heard the sheets shuffle.

 

The silence of the hospital hallway was eerie.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slow progression, but a steady one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHH! Sorry for the long wait! thank you for the Kudos! And all the Hits and stuff!!!!!

**4**

"You got to see Josh?" Chris jumped back from Sam in his seat at her raised voice.

A chill ran up Chris' spine as he noticed the eyes boring into him and Sam.

"Chill out!" Chris hissed, placing his hand on top of Sam's.

"Is he okay? Does he look like he's been eating well? Are they hurting him? Are they running weird science test thingies on him?" Sam bombarded Chris with questions that seemed just weird.

"No, he's not getting tested by evil scientists or being abused by the hospital. He's...okay, but..." Chris trailed off as Sam soothingly rubbed his hand with her thumb.

"At least he's getting somewhere." Sam said.

"Yeah..." Chris sighed through his nose as Sam took a sip from her tea.

"By the way, Josh was wondering if it's okay for you to visit tomorrow." Chris snorted when Sam inhaled her tea and wheezed.

"You're joking!" Sam wheezed as she caught her breath.

"Nope." Chris rested his cheek in his palm as he watched Sam compute his words.

"Holy heck I'd love to!" A warm smile spread across Sam's face, her legs bouncing under the table in excitement.

"Great! I can pick you up at three, and we can go over to the hospital to see Josh."

"Does anyone else know that Josh is open to visits?" Sam asked.

"No. Josh still thinks that they absolutely hate his guts and would rather him dead."

"Jeez! Seriously?" Sam visibly recoiled from Chris' words.

"Yeah," Chris sighed out, an expression of defeat in his features.

"But I told him that sure, some of them would still be angry at him for what he pulled off, but I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't want you dead."

            -

Chris opened the door for Sam as Josh's blank gaze on the TV shifted to Sam.  
  
Before Josh could even greet her, Sam softly embraced him into a hug. Josh blinked rapidly before recuperating the hug with a small light sound escaping his lips  
  
"It's been freaking forever." Sam sniffled.  
  
"Yeah." Josh slowly let Sam go and they fell into a light conversation.  
  
Chris watched Sam lean into Josh and whisper in his ear with a wide grin. Josh quickly shook his head, curling into himself as he bit his lip.  
  
Sam let out a bright laugh. It had so long since Chris heard her let out such an easy laugh.  
  
A small croak left Josh as his eyes pooled up.  
  
"Oh no, what's wrong?" Sam placed a hand on Josh's slight trembling shoulder.  
  
"Nothing. I'm just...a bit overwhelmed." Josh laughed as he wiped away the small tears with the back of his hand.  
  
"Jeez, toughen up." Josh and Sam laughed at Chris' quip.  
  
"I used to be the toughest...until I took an arrow to the knee." Josh lamely joked.  
  
"That's such an old joke." Sam groaned, covering her amused grin with the two of her hands.  
  
Both Josh and Chris snickered at Sam's reaction.  
  
They stayed way longer than intended which is totally okay. Chris was pretty sure they even fell asleep for a few minutes.  
  
"Alright, times up guys." A nurse softly knocked onto the door as she slowly opened it.  
  
Sam and Chris both gave Josh a hug before they left. Chris felt Josh's hold tighten a small bit around him, he looked up to meet Josh's gaze. His eyes were bright green, his pupils bigger than usual, as if he was absorbing everything in front of him, swallowing it whole, burning it into his memories.  
  
But the gaze was very quick and the tightened hold was barely noticeable. Josh gave them a thumbs up as they filed out the door.


	5. A Visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey super awesome readers!!! Thanks for all the kudos!! I haven't updated in a long time, my fault! I hope you like this chapter I made. Some I did in the middle of the night other in the daytime lol.
> 
> P.S. Writing in Josh's pov is sort of soothing.
> 
> 02|03|17: I edited the part about what everyone is doing about their life!

**5**

A week after Sam and Chris visited, Josh was discharged from the hospital.

His parents brought him back home and checked on him every day to make sure he was okay and taking his meds. Josh would sometimes snap when they pestered him too much about taking his pills or keeping in touch with his friends.

He just wanted to be  alone for a while. Just...think some things through. Sort out what was left of his cracked conscience.

Because fuck, everything is a blur of what happened at the lodge. Josh remembers Hannah and Beth whispering in his ear, saying that everything was fine and that the prank was a good decision. He remembers having an episode and not wanting to bother anyone and flushing away his meds. He remembers smiling at a joke Chris made on a sunny day as a consistent buzzing was tearing at his eardrums.

He remembers planning the prank, thinking it was a good idea. That everyone deserved it. That everything would be okay in the end and... and that-

There was a knocking on his bedroom door.

"Yes?" Josh croaked softly, not feeling up to raising his voice.

"Chris came over to visit."

"What?" Josh whipped open his bedroom door to see his mother playing with her hair.

"He's downstairs. I can tell him to come back another-"

"No it's fine." Josh walked over to the edge of the railing of the second floor and looked down to see Chris leaning on the wall of the foyer tapping away at his phone.

"Hey! Get up here." Josh waved over in his direction once Chris' bright blue eyes met his. Even from afar they were still so freaking noticeable.

Melinda patted Josh's shoulder before walking into her office down the hall. Josh drummed his fingers against the railing and walked into his room leaving the door open for Chris to close once he came in.

Chris shimmied off his first layer of clothing, placing it on the end of Josh's bed before plopping onto it.  
  
Josh watched Chris' eyes flutter closed as a soft sigh escaped from his lips.  
  
Josh pushed away from his desk on his comfy, black, wheeled office chair and gently spun from left to right as he watched Chris's back rise and fall with every breath he took.  
  
"Why'd ya come over?" Josh hadn't invited him, hadn't invited anyone over.  
  
"I couldn't sleep at home."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because my mom is watching some dumb show which carries through the walls that shakes my soul." Chris sighed out, rubbing his face.  
  
"So you came over to my house to sleep in my bed?" Josh felt a small feeling of pride that he quickly shot away because it didn't make sense to feel nice over some statement.  
  
"And also to see your face, bruh" Chris rolled over onto his back to grin smugly at Josh.  
  
"Fuck you." Josh threw a stray crumpled up piece of paper at Chris from his desk as he felt his body warm up.  
  
Chris deflected the roll of paper as a giggle bubbled up from him.

 There was a small moment of tranquil silence.

"So....h-how is everyone else?" Josh picked at the hem of his shirt, a tiny ball of nausea welling up in his core.

"Are you not gonna let me sleep?" Chris drawled, rubbing groggily at his eyes.

"Nope, just because you told me you only came over to sleep in my bed and avoid your mother's TV shows."  
  
Chris groaned out in angst as he got into a position where it wasn't much effort to speak.  
  
"Emily's in college doin' fashion design and journalism. Sam is in college too for social working and something about nature which is actually pretty cool. Mike is still trying to figure things out and is a part-time barista. Matt is doing awesome sports and Ashley is doing creative writing and kicking ass in college. Jess is still getting herself together put she's doing great."

Josh blinked rapidly trying to soak in everything that Chris has just lazily rambled out to him.  
  
Josh nodded slowly, "okay. What about you?"  
  
"Oh, computer science it's pretty fun but sometimes hell on earth. You get to figure out how some of these complex things work and how you could build or program something as cool as it and how you can add something to it or make something else of your own based on the stuff you have learned and know and make your own cool tech thing." Chris continued rambling on with a cute flushed grin on his face as some of his words slurred because he was still a bit drowsy.

Josh loved it and hated that he did. Hated how he adored that stupid smile Chris got when he told a stupid joke, or when Josh felt his chest contract when Chris would do a stupid dance from accomplishing something. He hated the immense shame he felt when he knew he had disappointed Chris in some way that made him feel like complete shit. He hated the devotion he had for him, where he would die just for Chris.

Josh nodded along to Chris's ramble, listening to the way his voice soothed him and filled him with a giddy tingly feeling that Josh doesn't get to usually feel because he can't feel a lot of things because of his meds. But it's keeping him in check. Doing its job.

Josh looks up from his nimble fingers to Chris once he noticed that he had stopped talking. A small amount of dread spill into Josh's head. Had he said what he was thinking aloud? Did he do something that made Chris uncomfortable that he hadn't noticed? Is Chris remembering something that Josh did that pissed him off because Josh does that a lot to a lot of people.

 A small half giggle half snort left Chris as he rolled on the bed. Josh let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding until he felt his lungs move in his chest. What the fuck? Why had Chris paused from talking about Technical Design and broke out into a fit of giggles? Is he missing something here?

"What's so funny?" Josh asked, noticing the sharp tone he was using.

Chris laughed harder but quickly regained his breath, "Dude, you were just purring like freaking crazy! Oh my god, and then you growled at me!" A grin spread across Chris' face once he looked at Josh's confused expression.

"No I was not. You're joking." Josh leaned in towards Chris' direction on his seat.

"You're doing it again." Chris said teasingly.

Josh got up from his seat and walked over to where Chris was lying on his bed. He fell onto it beside Chris. "How do I sound? Gimme an example." Josh had to bite back the smirk that was trying to escape.

"No. I'm not doing it." Chris shook his head, snickering.

"You have to. You gotta do this for your bro." Josh pressed, bumping into Chris to get his undivided attention.

"It sounds like a pigeon but like, in your tone." Chris laughed at the confused look on Josh's face. Furrowed eyebrows, slightly curled up lips, sharpened jaw line from being clenched.

Chris tried to imitate what he had heard from Josh but his voice died out in his throat when a laugh erupted from him. This time Josh joined in on the laughter because Chris was just being stupid now.

"I can't!" Chris held his stomach as he laughed.

The laughter slowly stopped and they were both lying on the bed with mirth in their eyes. Josh's  hand whipped out and lightly hit Chris' cheek.

"Ow."

"Now I'm tired." Chris looked up at Josh with a sceptical look from his comment.

"That's your problem, screw you." Chris snickered at his own comment.

"I'll punch your pretty face in." Josh growled out, squishing Chris' cheek in between his thumb and index finger.

Josh watched Chris' eyes flutter close and face relax under his gaze. His soft blond hair messing up against the bed, the side of his face adorably squished because he's lying on his face, lips slightly open. Josh's lungs were beginning to betray him and not work properly as he took in Chris' gorgeous image on his bed. Josh felt a rush of fatigue run over him and his eyes fluttered closed as Chris' bright blue ones slowly opened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no earthly idea what the shit computer science is than the internet basics as in searching up the term, and applying it to Chris and my own words and assumptions.  
> P.S. I am a mf mess


	6. Chapter 6

**6**

Chris huffed as he readjusted the many bags he was holding for Jess and Emily, walking down the mall.

"So Chris..." Jess started, "how's Josh?"

"He's cool. A bit snappy but never the less Josh."

"Even when is Josh never snappy?" Emily piped in with a hair flip.

"When he was a small little child?" Jess asked, only knowing Josh since high school.

"Uh, he was still feisty as a child..." Chris trailed off with an awkward laugh.

Jess keeled over in laughter at Chris' choked answer. The thought of a pouty mini Josh whining and crying constantly cracking her up.

"But it is really nice to hear that Josh is doing okay." Jess said as she and Emily walked into another store, Chris following short behind.

"And you too Chris." Emily bumped her side against Chris' which sent him stumbling.

"Huh?" Chris peered over to Emily's scathing gaze as if she was those sassy aunts in those family sitcoms. What a thought. Chris pondered as to why he made such a comparison to Emily.

"You were always shut in  and would never leave your house. You wouldn't answer our phone calls and when you did you practically sounded dead." Emily said as she shuffled throw racks of clothing.

Chris remembers. Remembers when he couldn't ever feel happy without the crippling guilt of how he had left Josh in that shed up at the lodge and when he came back to get him he was gone. Taken by a wendigo, dragged to the mines. While Chris was back home; Josh was probably suffering and starving down in the forever cold mines, the police searching for him.

When news came back that the two officers who went into the mines to look for him were found dead with claw marks in their middle, insides missing. Chris' conscience quickly jumped to conclusions and hope that he really shouldn't have thought of but couldn't help it.

Even after all of the things Josh had done up in the lodge, Chris had still missed him and wanted his best friend back.

"But ever since Josh came back, you've been better than before." Jess winked at Chris with a smile on her face but Chris ignored it. Simply by the fact of not wanting to be the center on Jess' winking business.

"I bet he's thinking about Josh right now." Emily smugly looked over to Chris and then a snickering Jess.

Chris recoiled from Emily, fighting back the burning tingle in his cheeks from being the center of their attention.

"Remember in grade 10? When you went through a whole spiral of having a crush on-"

Chris cut off Jess's story with obnoxious laughter, placing a hand on her shoulder warningly making Jess laugh even harder from her giggles.

"Chris, we all knew." Emily rolled her eyes while raking through clothes, which is quite amazing since the action of pushing clothes aside is looking at them before you push them away, deciding that you don't like them.

A vibration at Chris' thigh snapped him back into reality. He took out his phone from his pants pocket to check the caller ID.

"Who's callin' ya?"

"Josh." Chris has never gotten a call from Josh. Sure a few short stupid texts but never actually called, was he in an emergency? Probably not since if he was he probably wouldn't be able to even call him.

"Answer the fucking phone!" Emily half heartedly groaned.

"O-oh, right." Chris pressed the phone to his ear.

"He's such a nerd my god." Jess gushed as she went back to browsing with Emily.

"Hey, Cochise." A small knot in Chris' chest untied hearing Josh's relaxed tone.

"Hey."

"Wanna come over later and...chill? Unless you're busy and can't? Then I can totally do something else and would super understand that-"

"Yes, I can come over later." Chris lightly chuckled as Josh let out a sigh of relief.

"Okay? And what time do you mean later?"

"Like, five or so." Jess gave Chris a thumbs up while Emily only gave him a short nod.

"Alright, see ya!" Josh hung up.

Chris put his phone back in his pocket and followed Emily and Jess to another store, struggling with their shopping bags.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we all know who Chris had a whole whole spiral of a crush on ;))))))  
> I'm sorry about the slow update! Things have been going pretty slow lately but I'll try and do better.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place the same day as the last chapter i posted, the 6th one.  
> Hope you enjoy this update!

**7**

"Could you tell me why we're watching Holes?" Chris played with the curls at the end of Josh's hair as he laid on his stomach, a pillow separating them.

"Because Holes is a beautifully well written movie." Josh's voice was adorably muffled and mispronounced with his cheek pressed against the pillow.

"It's because Shia Labeouf is in it, right?" Chris looked at Josh with an unamused expression, an eyebrow raised in scepticism.

"No shut up." Josh said through a fit of laughter.

"Where's your mom and dad?" Chris asked, just noticing that the huge house Josh lives in was currently vacant with only the two of them.

"Mom's at a meeting and Dad's left back to work." Josh mumbled, a small growl escaping him.

"So you were just chilling alone before I got here?" Chris asked, blankly watching Holes.

"Mhm. It was super fucking boring." Josh groaned.

Watching this boring old movie was making Chris disinterested and tired so he decided to try and fall asleep. The movie Holes became white noise as Chris listened to the small never ending sounds that kept escaping Josh lying on his stomach.

"Chris?"

"Hm?"

"I'm really happy to have you in my life."

"Mhm?"

"Like, you've always been there for me. Even when I was an annoying spoiled brat."

"You weren't that bad."

"Even when I was being a total asshole when I got higher medication doses."

"It's okay." Chris mumbled, his mind slightly foggy.

"Even when. When at the lodge..." Josh's breathing was becoming erratic and uneven.

"Sssh, we don't have to talk about that." Chris softly ran his fingers through Josh's hair, knowing that the lodge was a touchy subject for him.

Chris continued to sooth Josh as he mumbled to himself and repetitively apologized. Chris felt Josh shudder, letting out a small growl underneath his hand.

"Josh."

"Hm?"

"Have you taken your evening meds yet?" Chris had an itching feeling that he didn't since he's been lying on Chris this whole time ever since he came over.

"No..." Josh wiped away the small tears from his eyes.

"Alright," Chris made a motion to make Josh get off of him. "I'll get you some water and you'll get your pills."

Chris made a short trip to the bathroom and walks over to Josh in his room.

"Feel better?" Chris asked after Josh gulped down the rest of the water.

Josh nodded, staring down at his feet. He slowly shuffled towards Chris and wrapped his arms around his middle, burying his face in Chris' chest.

"Why're you so cuddly today?" Chris laughed out, recuperating Josh's hug.

"Shut the hell up." Josh half-heartedly growled out.

"Can we at least go back downstairs?" Chris placed his hands on Josh's shoulders.

"Fine."

Instead of letting go of Chris like a normal person, Josh jumped up and wrapped around Chris, almost sending him backwards on his ass. Chris puffed out a breath as he steadied himself.

"What- the fuck?" Chris laughed out, making his way to the stairs.

"Good luck, bitch." Josh quipped.

"Shit!" Chris roughly stumbled down the stairs, jostling Josh around dangerously, making him tighten his hold around Chris.

Chris watched Josh break out into uncontrollable laughter, his face in a bright smile. Chris felt a tingle in his cheeks, stronger than earlier today at the mall with Emily and Jess. Chris noticed how Josh's demeanour changed so quickly when he was laughing or smiling, the tiredness in his face quickly disappearing, his sharp jaw alluring yet soft. Chris felt a warmth envelope his chest.

"You almost dropped me down the stairs, dude!" Josh said.

"Shut up, it's hard walking down the stairs with someone wrapped around your torso." Chris placed Josh on the couch and plopped down beside him.

"How this movie not done yet?" Josh exclaimed, falling back into the couch in laughter.

"It's like a loop, hole. Get it?" Chris wiggled his eyebrows at Josh.

Josh stared back at him with a deadpan expression, his green eyes slightly shimmering. Chris stared back at him, pursing his lips to not break out into giggles. Chris felt his eyes burn as he tried to keep his eyes open, the stare down turning into a staring contest. Josh looked completely fine, eyes not watering or anything. But then again he doesn't need to blink as much as other people anymore.

"Cheater! You're a cheater!" Chris said blinking.

"How did I cheat?" Josh innocently tilted his head like he used to do as a child when he was in trouble.

Chris pushed Josh away from him by his face, laughter filling the living room. Not even noticing his burning red cheeks.


	8. Dread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh doesn't have the best night experiences...  
> Warning: Might be triggering to some readers.

**8**

He woke up in a terror.

Sweat running down his temple, skin burning all across his body as if we was engulfed in flames. His heart beating so fast, he was scared he would choke it up if he made a single sound. His back tingling as if spiders were crawling along him, the excessive need to break something. Himself. The lamp by his bed. The window by his dresser, the papers along his desk, the mirror in his bathroom.

But he stayed in bed in the empty dark.

Relishing in the pounding pain in his chest. The shakiness of his breath, the clench in his throat.

Something was in the same room as him. Watching him. Waiting for an opportunity of weakness to pounce. To rip his soul out from his chest and through his ribs. To make the rest his worst nightmares come true.

An ear splitting whispering rung through his head, making him lurch up in his bed.

Something grabbed his ankle and pulled him as he thrashed in his bed, falling off the edge and onto the carpet. Something shuffled under his bed and made the sound of peeling nails scratching roughly against dry wall.

Josh scrambled to his feet, tripping relentlessly as the dread of whatever was under the bed catches him.

He flicked on the ceiling light for his bedroom to find nothing in his room.

Josh watched as his room swayed in front of his eyes, disoriented.

His thick blanket was on the floor, scratches on the bed sheets.

The beating in Josh's chest slowed down to numbness. A bitter chuckle left him as he fell to his knees.

He gasped in deep breaths as he clenched his fists, his nails not long enough to puncture the skin of his palms. The urge to vomit rolled and flipped around in Josh's gut at the thought of seeing his own blood, having it caked under his nails, the pain of scraping out the residue from his fingers.

Josh crawled toward his dresser and took his phone, he then went over to the  bathroom and sprawled out onto the cold tile.

Josh pulled out his phone in front of himself and unlocked it. It was 4:46 in the morning.

 **Send a text to:** Chris

_Josh:_

Josh didn't send a message, remembering how early it is and how stupid it would be to text Chris at this time.

He wiped away his rushing tears and took a shuddering breath, fighting back a sob.

Was this really the life he has come to?

Being cooped up in his house by the fear of being judged by onlookers in the streets. Breaking into a panic attack in public and hurting someone, losing all of his friends because he's and asshole and insensitive psycho. Losing his sisters because of wanting to be drunk to get rid of the dreadful feeling he always felt even before time.

When had he ever been truly happy?

Never.

And he doesn't deserve to ever be happy again.

To ever have hope in anything.

Because he's always done terrible things.

And he's finally now getting the consequences.

Josh wrapped his fingers around his pulsing neck and squeezed until he felt his lips and eyes tingle. Once he let go, he felt the amazing rush of relief as air went back into his lungs, his head feeling empty and light.

He was going to be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter in Josh's POV because I've been writing in Chris' a lot.  
> (Also self choking is a hazard and self harm shouldn't be the answer!)


	9. The Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter in Josh's POV, just catching up with his perspective and because I can't work with Chris' POV right now sorry!  
> Trigger Warning: Blood, and slight gore.  
> This chapter is pretty short i'll try and make things longer!

**9**

Red.

There was a crimson red in his hands, slipping off the surface of his palms time and time again, the dripping of the substance ringing. Soft, squishy wet things were in his hands, burrowed underneath his nails, in the creases of his shaking blurred fingers.

A sputtering cough snapped him out of his lull.

Josh gazed upwards to see Chris slightly bent over, clutching at his middle as he took loud ragged breaths.

"Chris?" He croaked.

"D-don't touch me!" Chris took an unsteadily flinched away from Josh.

Josh's throat closed up on him and his stomach quenched as he lowered his gaze on Chris. Blood was coating his hands, seeping through his fingers, getting into his nails and around his fingers, a small whimper left him.

"What..?" Josh's question slowly dissolved as he found it hard to speak, every movement of his mouth making him feel a sharp pinch or pull at the skin around his mouth.

"You...monster..." A wet cough left Chris's throat, sounding as if it ripped away the inside of his soft, oh so soft osophagus. Blood tauntingly dribbled from his lips.

"Did I?" He felt the fullness in his stomach and emptiness of Chris' and the hunch of his back, a string of something thick and pink was on the floor by Josh's feet.

There was a loud piercing sound, it made his head feel foggy and heavy, made his eyes burn, the skin around his mouth ache in pain, his chest ache.

 

Josh was screaming.

 

"Joshua! Josh! Sweetie wake up!" He bolted upright in bed, sweat trickling down his forehead as you felt your heart beat in his chest and ears.

"Oh, God." Josh sobbed, burying his head into his cold hands.

"Shush, it's okay, it was only a nightmare." Tears slid down his face as the calming warmth of his mother slightly soothed him, making him sob harder.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry that I'm a monster." Josh choked out.

"You're no monster Joshie, you're my baby." Josh felt his shoulders slightly slouch in exhaustion and comfort.

Time passed before Josh recollected himself.

"Do you want me to wait for you to fall asleep before I go?"

Josh groans as a giggle escapes his mother. "No, I'm fine...thank you."

"I'm your mom, you don't need to thank me." She softly ran her hands through Josh's hair, making his eyes flutter shut and a calming chill run over him.


	10. Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been gone for a long while and I'm super sorry!! I made this chapter longer than what I usually post so I hope you guys like it! :)

**10**

Josh's head fell onto Chris' shoulder like dead weight. The moment Chris looked down to check on him he was already out like a light, dark bags under his eyes.

 

Chris paused the game he was playing on Josh's TV, guilt welling up in his stomach by only just noticing Josh's clear exhaustion.

 

Chris slowly ran his fingers through Josh's hair, his dark curls unravelling around his fingers like a smoothly rushing stream moving around a rock.

 

A long soft purr left Josh as he nestled deeper into Chris' warm side.

 

He bit his lip to not let out a snicker as the behaviour of Josh reminded him a cat. Or maybe a kitten. But when he's awake he's very snappy and not very playful like a kitten. Why was he contemplating this? Who knows.

 

"Chris you piece of garbage, you're barely holding in your laughter at me." Josh mumbled as he glared at him with hooded eyes.

 

"N-no..." Chris' voice trembled and rose as his shoulders shook.

 

"I'll freaking eat-" 'your brains' or another part of Chris' body that Josh would always say to make him shut up, grinning after to show the one pointed tooth he has.

 

Instead it was just a look of dread in Josh's eyes as his body visibly stiffened.

 

"Hey, you okay?" Chris leaned over to Josh who was bent over, clutching at his head as his elbows rested on his knees.

 

"Y-yeah, just..." He took a deep breath, rubbing at his eyes.

 

"Have you been getting enough sleep?"

 

"Mhm." Chris gave Josh a scathing look of scepticism.

 

"Either you're lying to me or your body doesn't seem to know you're sleeping."

 

Josh groaned loudly and rolled his head back in clear annoyance.

 

"Hey! I'm just telling you what I'm getting here." Chris' eyebrows narrowed.

 

"Fine, I'm _not_ sleeping..." Josh crossed his arms over his chest and pressed into the back of the couch.

 

The reasons for Josh to not be sleeping were slim in Chris' mind. Not knowing many possible things that could keep him up at night or restraining him from at least taking naps.

 

"Why?" Chris' took the chance of prodding into his business.

 

Josh slouched even deeper into the couch, Chris wondered if the couch was capable of sucking up Josh whole because it looked like Josh was pretty positive that that would happen if he keeps in pressing inwards.

 

Josh mumbled.

 

"What?"

 

Josh let out a gruff growl at the end of his grumble.

 

"Josh, I can't here-"

 

" I can't freaking sleep because every time I close my eyes something is watching me or I've done something horribly wrong! Like eating someone, or ripping them apart for the _fun_ of it! And everything is in detail! And I've done all those horrible things before! It's fucking shit because when I wake up I'm in a delusional panic! I sound like a goddamn psycho when I say this but it's true, it's true Chris!" Josh peered up at Chris, his deep green eyes making Chris feel like they were swallowing him whole.

 

"You...believe me right?" Josh's eyes shimmered with tears desperation clearly showing in them. Chris had to shake away the awe at how beautiful Josh looked at this exact moment and swallowed a lump in his throat.

 

"Yes."

 

-

 

"I said you could go home. Go home, there's no need for you to be here." Josh grumbled, ruffling the sheets of his bed as Chris settled on the floor with one of Josh's old sleeping bags.

 

"I'm not going home and leaving you to sleep by yourself with weird ass nightmares." Chris said back, grabbing a pillow coming his way mid-air.

 

"You're so freaking persistent oh my god!" Josh whined, flopping backwards into his mattress.

 

"And you're fucking welcome." Chris mumbled, settling into the soft, silk like sleeping bag.

 

Who was he kidding it was on the damn floor and it's hard as a jagged rock by a cliff. Piece of shit was nowhere near silk nor soft. Chris shuffled around, trying to find a comfortable position.

 

"Chris."

 

"Hm?"

 

"Get your ass in the bed."

 

"...Uh, okay, yeah sure dude." Chris shuffled out of the sleeping bag and walked over to Josh's slightly high bed, pillow tucked between his arm and side.

 

"Shut up and don't make this weird."

 

"How is it weird? We used to always do this as kids!" Chris felt his cheeks begin to burn and prayed to whoever was there would make sure Josh couldn't see his probably bright pink face.

 

"Move your fat ass Josh." Josh was curled under the sheets, rear sticking out as the rest of his body was by the far right edge of his bed.

 

"You're just jealous my ass is booming."

 

"Wow... Never in my life...did I ever think, a sentence like that would leave your mouth."

 

Josh decided not to reply and readjusted his position in the bed to make space for Chris' tall and slightly full frame.

 

-

 

Chris hissed out in pain as he felt sharp pain along his ribs and back. He turned around wondering why Josh would be scratching at him so savagely. The thought of the wendigo that was exorcised out of his body coming hit Chris like a ton of bricks but was quickly pushed away by Chris just thinking that his subconscious was being stupid.

 

"Josh?" Chris was alarmed at how twitchy Josh was moving about and the small mutters sounding like despair leaving his lips.

 

He must be having a nightmare. Chris gently placed his hand on Josh's arm slightly shaking him to try and wake him up. The only response he received was a low agonizing groan coming from Josh. Chris held onto Josh's shoulders and shook him roughly, the bed and Josh's head shaking from the force.

 

"Josh! Wake up dude!" Chris voice raised into a regular tone, slightly raised to get Josh to wake up.

 

Josh shot up as fast as a bullet, eyes glazed as he muttered things incomprehensible. He wrapped around Chris, delirious as his back curled and he gritted his teeth.

 

"My back...it burns." Chris watched Josh's thick lashes caught his tears as he silently sobbed.

 

"Josh...there's nothing wrong with your back." Chris slowly rubbed his back, checking for any erosions of skin and finding nothing.

 

Josh whimpered as his nails dug into Chris' back. It hurt but if it was helping Josh cope, he wasn't going to complain.

 

Thinking that Josh had fallen asleep, Chris lowered his arms from around Josh's warm body, his frame no longer trembling. Josh's hands gripped at Chris' shirt again, less frantic and almost like trying to send Chris an unheard message.

 

"Wait, just a little bit longer." There was a lightness in his voice, almost playful, making a small smile and the raise of an eyebrow from Chris.

 

"It's fine, I know I'm irresistible so I'll let you go on with no charge."

 

"Alright I'm done." Josh quickly let go of his waist and laid back down, exposing his back to Chris to make a point.

 

"Aw, c'mon baby. I was joking!" Chris said in a faux low tone, puckering his lips and opening his arms.

 

"Get the fuck to sleep."

 

"Lol okay."

 

"Did you just say 'lol'?"

 

Chris felt the bed shift, Josh probably turning around to face him, elbow propped, head resting in his hand. Chris pursed his lips to keep back a grin as he feigned sleep, feeling all the muscles in his face shudder.

 

"I'm not buying your act, you snore like a freight train when you sleep." Josh said sharply.

 

"No I do not!" Chris rose up, eyebrows furrowing.

 

"That's probably what triggered my nightmare. Your loud ass snoring."

 

"Lies, you're lying!"

 

"Mhm. Must've triggered the other ones too. All of Canada probably heard your loud ass."

 

Chris' face heated up in embarrassment as he peered at Josh sitting up, the light of the moon leaking through the window shining onto him, illuminating his eyes and enchanting the way he looked.

 

"Alright bedtime now." Chris pressed his hand against Josh's face, attempting to press him into his pillow.

 

Through Josh's laugh an animalistic hiss left him as he stuck out his tongue, catching Chris' hand. A giddy screech left Chris as he felt Josh's sharp tooth through his wide grin, making his heart skip a beat for a reason he did not know.

 

"My God, that was so loud I'm pretty sure that woke up my mom."

 

"We were already talking pretty loudly so I think your mom has been awake for a long while now." Chris said, resting both his hands on the bed by Josh's head.

 

Chris' heart faltered, making his chest feel empty then full in the spam of a single second as he realised the position he was in with Josh. His lungs struggled as each breath shuddered from his lips.

 

Chris stared into Josh's eyes, a completely clear and deep green. As always. Chris watched him blink twice, his eyelashes enchanting him as if he was being hypnotised. Josh's lips always looking like they were puckered, soft, warm, and so inviting.

 

"Chris?" Josh's voice was quiet and faint.

 

Chris could practically feel Josh's warm breath as he got closer and closer.

 

Closer.

 

Closer.

 

Closer.

 

And,

 

Closer.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aye, a new chapter! Hope you enjoy this chapter!  
> Trigger Warning: Josh talking about his gory nightmares and a mention of blood.

**11**

 

Alright, uhhh... I'll see you soon." Chris slowly walked backwards down the stone walkway, facing Josh who was standing in the middle of the front doorframe.

 

His arms crossed, clutching at his loose sweatshirt as he avoided eye contact.

 

"Yeah."

 

Josh focused on the soft tapping of Chris' receding footsteps. Not his own rapidly beating heart, not the trembles of his hands, not the weakness of his knees, not the feeling of hot, hot lava running through his veins. Oh God, and definitely not the growing giddy grin threatening to raise to his face.

 

My pills.

 

Josh hurriedly shut the front door and ran up the stairs, scrambling as he missed a step.

 

"Josh! Do you want some breakfast?" Before Josh closes his bedroom door, he turns around.

 

"No, mom!"

 

"Is Chris already gone?"

 

"Mhm!" Josh walked into his room, to the bathroom, and opened his mirror cabinet.

 

White pill that tastes like nothing. Done.

 

Josh made his way to his bed, limply falling on top of the covers, his face pressed against the pillow as his feet hung at the edge of his bed.

 

Josh screamed into his pillow until he felt his blood pulse in his head and his chest burn. He rolled over on his back and took deep breaths as he repetitively wiped at his eyes. His ice cold hands numbing the area under his eyes.

 

The only way to describe Josh's feelings right now was overwhelmed and confused. He had no idea what to do. Were he and Chris fine after that? Is he thinking about it too much? Did Chris _tell_ anyone?

 

That doesn't even fucking matter because nobody even talks to Josh so if they heard about... _whatever_ , he wouldn't have to deal with them anyways.

 

"Josh! It's time to go to your therapist!"

 

Josh rolled off of his bed and shoved his phone into his back pocket as he  made his way downstairs.

 

-

 

"You look quite exhausted, how are you sleeping?" Josh's therapist, Linda, readjusted her position in her regular black office chair in front of her dark wood desk, placing both elbows on her desk as she leaned in.

 

"Uh well," Josh scratched at his jaw, following the curling patterns of the black and gold carpet underneath the both of them, "I catch my sleep from time to time."

 

"And what about the other times?"

 

"I get bad nightmares. Ones that make me wake up...feeling panicked." Josh heard Linda hum and nod her head slowly, her dark curly locks bobbing around her cheeks.

 

"Could you tell me about these nightmares?" Josh trusted Linda, has been working with her for a really long while, ever since he left the mines.

 

She was the one who believed him when he said he felt like he was misdiagnosed or needed something different. The least Josh could do was make helping him easier.

 

"Uh well..."

 

"Take your time." Linda soothed.

 

"They're really disturbing, there's always blood, sometimes the person is dying or already dead. In all these dreams I'm always the cause. The one that hurt everyone." Josh worried at his bottom lip, trying not to have his eyes water.

 

"It's okay to cry here." Linda said.

 

"I-I know, it's just, embarrassing sometimes."

 

"Do you wake up in the middle of the night after these nightmares or after fully sleeping?"

 

"I wake up in the middle of the night and freak out." Josh knew that he shouldn't feel shame sharing this because this is his therapist, he's supposed to share this stuff and it stays here. But it still blew a hole in his stupid pride.

 

"And you feel exhausted when you go to sleep after your freak outs?" Josh could hear the soft scratching of Linda writing in that small little black notebook.

 

"Yes, and sometimes I'll just say up the rest of the night and nap in the day."

 

"Does anyone help you with your freak outs? Your mother? That Chris boy? Your friend Sam?" Hearing Chris' name made Josh stiffen in his spot on the couch, not noticing the slight narrow of Linda's eyes.

 

"My mom or myself. She'll try and talk me through it and I just sit it out."

 

"Did you have a nightmare last night?"

 

"Mhm, but I was okay... Dealt with it without my mom."

 

"Your body language tensed when I said Chris' name. Why? Aren't you two great friends since grade...three?"

 

"Yes."

 

"So why did you, as the youngings call it 'square up'?" That made Josh snicker and Linda let out an airy chuckle.

 

"I told Chris about me having nightmares because he said I looked like a mess and slept over."

 

"Did Chris help you deal with your nightmare?"

 

Josh pressed into the cushion of the couch wishing it could swallow him whole so he could stop thinking about what happened last night.

 

"Yeah he uh, talked me though it kept telling me it wasn't real."

 

"Nice. Do you think these nightmares leaving you in a panic will ever stop?"

 

"I hope so."

 

Silence.

 

"Is there anything else to share before time runs out?" Linda put down her black notebook, crossing her leg over another as a soft smile was on her face.

 

"Well... Last night, while Chris was over, we kissed and I don't what to do."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Do we go back to talking like we usually do? Is something happening or going to happen?"

 

"Josh." His head snapped up, focusing on Linda. Her tone serious.

 

"Do _you_ want something to happen?"

 

"Yes? I don't know, I have had...feelings for him for a long while now."

 

"So if you do, maybe you should try reaching out to him."

 

"Really?"

 

"I mean, if someone kisses you I'm pretty sure it's because they like you too."

 

Josh shrugged.

 

"Whelp, times up! I'll see you in two weeks."

 

Josh got out of his seat and walked towards the door.

 

"Good luck with Chris!" Linda said right before the door shut behind Josh.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long wait! Trying hard to get back into writing cuz I haven't for a while! Thank you all for the Kudos and sticking to this story!

Chris startled when he heard the ringtone of his phone, its shrill sound resounding in his head as he gasped out in his bed.

 

He stretched for the phone on the bedside stand, his stress nap disturbed.

 

Oh look, it was the individual that he was stressing over calling.

 

"'Ey, what's up?" Chris swallowed, hoping it would help with his dry throat.

 

"I wanna talk about yesterday." Chris put back a pained groan from the serious tone of Josh's voice.

 

"Cochise? You there?"

 

"Y-yeah!... I'm here."

 

"So uh," Chris heard josh suck in a breath through his teeth, "I don't think I'm ready to date and all that mushy stuff yet."

 

Chris didn't know how to react. If he should feel disappointed or relieved. Josh airily laughs into the receiver.

 

"N-no! No hard feelings okay? I'm just not ready yet! Don't feel bad! Your totally at the top of my list!" Josh audibly cringed. "I don't have a list! Not at all! Holy shit, I'm sorry!"

 

Josh's blundering deeply amused Chris, a small smile on his face as Josh continued to incoherently mutter.

 

"It's alright," Chris laughed out.

 

"I'm...kinda relieved. I really don't know what I was thinking, sorry."

 

"Nah! It's okay! Just wait a bit?" Josh's voice raised at the end of his question.

 

"Yeah its fine!"

 

"Cool." 

-

 

"Hey, wanna try going to the park?" Chris choked on the water he was drinking once he understood what Josh had just said.

 

Josh never wanted to go outside, too anxious because of what happened up at the mountains keeping him paranoid and wanting to stay indoors.

 

Chris looked out the window, the sky a hue of orange and purple, the sun really close to being fully set.

 

"I mean, I rarely go out and I'm just in the mood right now..." Josh mumbled, tracing circles on the dark granite countertop of the kitchen.

 

"Sure, it's a step forward no?" Chris emptied the glass and placed it in the dishwasher.

 

"Lemme get my sweater cuz it's gotta be chilly out right now." Chris watched Josh climb up the stairs quickly on all fours.

 

Chris was already layered with an undershirt, regular t-shirt, thin sweater and a thick sweater he took back up from the foyer.

 

"Jeez, winter's  _ending_  not  _beginning_." Josh remarked as he whizzed past Chris to opening the front door.

 

The cold air made Chris slightly shiver before his layers did their work of warming him up. The both of them walked in comfortable silence all the way to the park, shoulders bumbling occasionally, hands slightly brushing.

 

"Ah... I just want to try going out without feeling like I'm gonna implode." Josh groaned wrapping his arms around himself (Either from the cold or holding himself together).

 

Chris watched the loose sweater slowly slide down Josh's shoulder, resisting the urge to fix it. Josh was still a bit frail but not like a skeleton anymore, he was getting better at his own calming pace.

 

"Do you want to go back?" Chris asked, knowing at any moment Josh could change his mind and also that Josh had a habit of pushing himself too far into something he was uncomfortable with.

 

"Nah, its good." Josh picked up into a light jog once the park was in sight.

 

The both of them sat in the swings, the park desolate of anyone because of the night time.

 

Chris heard Josh take a shaky breath, and rocked himself on the swing.

 

"Why do you feel like you're goin' to implode?" Chris began swinging along with Josh.

 

"Hm? Oh, just... paranoia."

 

Chris nodded in understanding, remembering the first week back home from the lodge and freaking out if he heard anything in the house when it was dark, his mind convincing him that there was something lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce on him and disembowel him.

 

"So, Chris..." Josh bit his lip, suppressing a smirk, "when did you start to like me?"

 

Chris groaned into his hands, leaning back on the swings to put emphasis on his dismay. He ignored Josh's laugh, hearing the swing creak under his weight.

 

"I literally don't..." Chris trailed off.

 

Chris didn't want to talk about the daunting realization of having a crush on his best friend in grade 10. He remembers being the clingy, most annoying person he could ever imagine, constantly wanting to hang out with Josh during school and after school, texting Josh all the time but barely calling(Chris was too nervous for phone calls).

 

"I'll tell you when I got my crush on you!" Josh's tone was too excited for Chris' liking.

 

"Oh my God, don't-"

 

"Grade eleven!" Josh interjected, beginning to swing once again.

 

"Grade _fucking_ eleven?" Chris shouted, shocked and partially hurt that he never noticed Josh's behaviour towards him.

 

"What do you mean 'Grade fucking eleven'?" Josh laughed out.

 

"I had a crush on you from grade ten and got over it in grade eleven!"

 

"The fuck you mean 'Got over it'? You got over your crush on _me_?" The both of them were making a racket, shouting over and at each other even if they were sitting right beside each other.

 

"Of course I did, didn't you?"

 

"Of course not!" Josh screamed out, the sound echoing through the whole neighbourhood.

 

There was a still silence for a number of minutes, the both of the boys glaring at each other, the lack of Josh's blinking still unnerved Chris, and a small growl left Josh's lips.

 

That made Chris burst into hysterics. Slapping his leg as he tried to catch his breath, Josh joined in, completely confused as to why Chris was laughing so hard but still bemused.

 

A threatening, deep voice shouted from a window for them to shut up and go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel bad that this is so short but I don't want to jump right into the story just after being out of practice with writing.


End file.
